The Adventures of Ted & Eddy – The Two Headed Teddy
Chapter One – In which Ted & Eddy are born, expelled from Teddy Bear Land captured by the nasty Pease family and sold for a sausage to kind lonely Mr.Wynd & given a new home
Ted & Eddy were born in Teddy Bear Land – a far away magical kingdom of Teddy Bear Happiness; it’s all cuddles & huggles and endless teas of jelly , meringues & peanut butter sandwiches in Teddy Bear Land, picnics in the woods and games of hide the furry bear in the mountain.
Now when Ted & Eddy were born there was some thing decidedly odd about them – they had one body but two heads – they were greeted with horror and outrage and fear and disgust, Daddy bear looked at Mummy Bear and said – what have you been doing? Mummy Bear wanted to know who Daddy Bear really was and Daddy Bear ran away and all the other teddy bears yelled freak freak freak and threw poor Ted & Eddy in the river.
But there are two happy endings, it’s very hard to drown a teddy bear, they tend to float and can hold their breath for hours – try having bath with a teddy bear and you’ll know what I mean. They don’t like it and it makes them cold and uncomfortable and miserable and sad but they don’t die. But the first happy ending was with mummy and daddy teddy bear. Daddy teddy bear was sad and lonely and hadn’t seen mummy teddy bear for two whole hours and was desperately in need of a cuddle, as you probably know teddy bears get very sad if they’re left on their own and not cuddled for even a few hours, that’s why most teddy bears always look so sad, they’re the teddy bears that got lost on the fringes of teddy bear land and got found by strangers and taken home; firstly they’re missing their home and their friends and families and secondly people seldom give them enough hugs and cuddles. Some people I know don’t even sleep with their bears – that is indescribably cruel.
So Daddy teddy bear was feeling very sad and then he saw some beautiful violets and picked a big bunch and went and looked for mummy teddy bear & gave them to her and she was very happy and they cuddled & huggled for hours and hours and decided not to have any more babies and to go for a picnic and to eat peanut butter sandwiches instead – with just a little bit of honey – mummy teddy bear’s favourite, they forgot all about Ted & Eddy and lived happily every after.
Ted & Eddy floated down the river feeling sadder and sadder and wetter and wetter and colder and colder and not really understanding what had happened to them and why nobody loved them – all they’d wanted was a cuddle and a huggle and a peanut butter sandwich. There were two of them it’s true and they could cuddle each other but it’s not really the same and Eddy doesn’t like being cuddled by Teddy as Eddy often tickles him and then he tickles Eddy back and it means neither of them get a proper cuddle, and anyways their arms aren’t long enough and they were trying to stay afloat.
So down the river they floated when – whooooosh – they were snatched out and propelled through the air “it’s a biggun – I’ve caught a whopper” gloated old Mr.Pease – “Dad you’ve never caught a fish in your live” said young Mr.Pease – “well I have now”
“no you haven’t you’ve caught a teddy bear”
“Daddy’s caught a teddy bear, daddy’s caught a teddy bear” chanted young Mr.Pease – now the Peases were a poor family who weren’t any good at fishing and didn’t like fishing and only fished because they were hungry,
“Well lets take it back to Mother” growled old Mr.Pease “ she can probably put it in a stew or something, gotta taste better than my shoes that we ate last night, far too tough”
“and smelly” added young Mr.Pease
But Mrs.Pease wasn’t having it – she’d baked young Mr.Pease’s Teddy bear Angus in a pie only the other week and it had been all stringy and puffy and tough and chewy and got stuck between her teeth and tasted of nothing nice, and she was very cross with Mr.Pease – she’d sent him out for a fish and he’d come back with a Teddy Bear – now what good was that?
- But Mrs.Pease wasn’t as stupid as Mr.Pease she’d noticed something strange about Tedd & Eddy – not only were they looking very sad and terrified but they had two heads!
- & she’d just read in the newspaper about a Mr.Wynd in London town who’d sold someone or other a two headed baby for a lot of money – and that baby had been dead so what would a two headed teddy bear be worth – millions she thought.
She thought wrong. She hid Tedd & Eddy in a black bag so she wouldn’t have to get them a ticket and took the train to London. Tedd & Eddy were very sad and very scared. In London she found Mr.Wynd in his little shop. Though it’s less of a shop than an orphanage, Mr.Wynd is a lonely man, very nice, they say, but lonely, and he lives in his shop that is more of an orphanage than a shop – from all over the world come creatures and things that no one else loves, but somehow he always sees in them something to love and gives them a home, it might look like a shop, and things might look like they are for sale but no one ever buys anything – no one else will give a home to the things he gives a home to – from dead rats to unloved bits of stone, dead penguins, people with three legs and all the outcasts of the world.
Mr.Wynd looked at Mrs Pease and thought she was a nasty, mean smelly person. He hated to judge but when she took out of her bag the sweetest most loveable pair – or almost a pare – (maybe an apple? ) of teddy bears, looking so sad and miserable and so desperately in need of a cuddle that he almost called the R.S.P.C.T.B. – The Royal Society for The Protection of Cruelty to Teddy Bears, but he didn’t for he thought that there were a lot of people in the world who didn’t cuddle their teddy bears properly and that they might not come out in a hurry and meanwhile the woman might go and the only way to give Ted & Eddy a proper cuddle was to buy them & cuddle them then and there.
So he put on a sad face and told Mrs.Pease that he really, really wanted a two headed fish – he had lots of two headed bears – they were two a penny he said – now a two headed fish! But Mrs.Pease hadn’t got a two headed fish – for which he would have paid millions and millions only a two headed bear that was hardly worth a sausage, however he leaned down into his drawer and found a particularly nice looking sausage and handed it over in exchange for Ted & Eddy.
As soon as the nasty woman was gone he gave Ted & Eddy the biggest cuddle they’d ever had and dried them with a hair dryer and gave them each a peanut butter sandwich with lashings of honey!